i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
