her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
as a side note pls kill me
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
