Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize