I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
