I think scott just propositioned me for sex
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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