Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I want to be your penis for a week.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
