I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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