did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
