I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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