Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Randomize
