You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
