I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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