It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Randomize
