The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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