Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
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