he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
