I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
