dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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