The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Never let your siblings swipe right.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
