Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
