We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize