Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Boobs speak an international language.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Randomize
