in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
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