I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
