i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
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