Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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