it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
