My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
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