Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Randomize
