Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
