I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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