if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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