Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
