You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
