The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Randomize
