I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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