you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
