if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Why are your pants in the freezer?
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
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