Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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