Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
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