She went from zero to smokin in five shots
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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