who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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