I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Randomize
