you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
That reminds me...we need to get swords
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize