Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
