just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize