Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
