Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
my vag is so smooth its legendary
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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