you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Drunk is not a location!
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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