i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
