I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
