How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
