My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
