I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
