Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
