Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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