So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize