You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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