then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
