Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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